


Accidents

by Anonymous



Category: Blue Lock (Manga)
Genre: Don't Kill Me, Gen, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I'm sorry for writing this uhhh, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, You'll see what I mean, but also kind of ooc, grammar and capitalization is actually kinda important here, it kinda follows canon, rin is bad at feelings, vent fic, yes i'm projecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:07:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25395859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Bachira has always hated the idea of gym locker rooms and baths.Blue Lock doesn't care what he thinks and has them anyways.a vent ficTRIGGER WARNING // SELF HARM
Relationships: Itoshi Rin & Bachira Meguru
Kudos: 24
Collections: Anonymous





	Accidents

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, tw // self harm, cutting, panic attacks. Please don't read / be careful reading this fic if that's a trigger for you.
> 
> I wrote this to cope with my own urges to self harm, please understand that this is in every way a vent fic and that I'm projecting onto these characters. I'm in no way trying to romanticize the act of self harming and am very much against it, I simply need to get some things out of my system. If you think I'm romanticizing it or am just being plain disrespectful, please let me know, I don't want to remain ignorant.
> 
> I'm publishing this as anonymous for my own peace of mind. If you find my account, please respect my privacy. Thank you <3

Since arriving at Blue Lock, Bachira has been overly careful and cautious to the point of becoming someone suspicious to his own teammates.

"You're always out late practicing, what do you even do? Isn't our usual training tiring enough?" Nagi asked as Bachira was about leave their dorm to go 'practice'. In reality, he was going to go shower since they were usually empty around that time and he could be alone without worrying about someone walking in.

"I can't go do some solo training anymore? Just 'cuz you laze around doesn't mean I do too! I'll be back soon anyways, later!" Bachira knew Nagi didn't care enough about him to follow or spy, but he still made random turns and routinely checked over his shoulder to just be 100% sure. When he got to the showers, they were pretty much deserted and he could breathe easily.

Bachira turned the shower on and wondered about how things got this bad. To go so far as to waiting until late at night to go shower at the farthest bathrooms he could find just to avoid everyone. Soap suds covered the scars and half healed cuts that he tried so desperately to hide.

It'd been a month since he last cut and he felt proud of himself for doing so well. (Also, Blue Lock probably wouldn't have allowed him to take a blade into the facility, so he couldn't even if he wanted to.) So far, he hasn't had the urge to cut, being so busy with training, games, and just trying to survive. Things were sort of turning around for Bachira, so long as he kept up his good progress.

After a quick wash, he left the showers, heading back to the dorm at 12:30AM. Tomorrow was the match against the top three and he needed to get a good night's sleep so he wouldn't be tired during the game. The excitement made it hard to go to sleep, but he somehow managed to drift off.

  
  
"Bachira Meguru." That was what Aryu said. It came as a surprise to everyone, but it hit Bachira like a ton of bricks. This wasn't part of their plan, he and Isagi weren't supposed to get separated. They were supposed to keep playing and winning, he didn't want to advance without Isagi. Yet, that was the situation they found themselves in. Reluctantly, he followed the top three to the next stage, leaving Isagi and Nagi behind.

Why was he so upset? He was at Blue Lock for a reason, and that was to be the best striker in the world, not to be buddy buddy with his rivals. Despite that, it felt like there was a puzzle piece missing from Bachira. Playing with Isagi felt so right, but he had no choice but to go with the top three.

"Welcome to the team, Bachira!" Tokimitsu said excitedly. Bachira tried not to curb his enthusiasm and gave him a nod with a fake smile, ignoring the tingling in his right hand. There it was again, that phantom feeling that made his arm itch. It'd been so long, it felt like his nerves could jump out of his skin from how starved they were of the familiar stinging sensation. Bachira hated how easily the impulse came back to him, and how badly he wanted to give in to it.

They went to the next stage and into their new dorm room. Everyone claimed their beds and went about their own business, leaving a heavy silence in the room. Rin left as soon as he put his things down and Bachira was nervous being around these new people. Why was he, of all people, deemed good enough to be on the same team as the top three? Bachira just wanted to play soccer with Isagi and ended up here, in a dorm with three complete strangers.

Since nothing else seemed to be going on, Bachira decided to get up and go (actually) train for a little while in an attempt to distract himself from the blood that flowed in his veins. There was no possible way for him to even get hands on a blade, he reminded himself while walking down corridors, trying to find practice fields. Though, of course the urge was there, and it was strong. So strong, that Bachira hadn't even noticed the way his hand was curled up in the same way he would grip a blade. He needed to get his mind away from those thoughts, and fast.

He walked into the nearest practice field he could find and saw Itoshi Rin in there, practicing on his own. Relief washed over Bachira as he made his way onto the field.

"Rin! D'you wanna practice together?" Bachira called out while waving to Rin, who trapped the ball and sent him a stone cold glare, evaluating him.

"I don't care what you do, just don't hold me back." He snapped, going back to focusing on his practice. It wasn't a no, Bachira thought as he stretched, getting ready to practice. Just some quick drills and maybe one on one if he was lucky, and things would be alright, he hoped.

He joined up with Rin, trying to take the ball and failing miraculously. The control he had over the ball intrigued Bachira, and he wanted to keep trying to take it, even if it meant falling flat on his face. They practiced for a good thirty minutes, Bachira getting possession of the ball once, only for Rin to steal it right back.

"Wow, you're good, Rin! We should practice more often, don'tcha think?" Bachira suggested as Rin began to go.

"I already told you, do what you want." He said coldly, pausing for a moment. "...But I usually practice in this same field at the same time. Do what you will with that information." Bachira almost missed it, but his voice softened a bit. He considered that an invitation to practice and watched Rin leave the field, excited for their next session. Even though the thought was still in the back of his head and not entirely gone, Bachira's urges had become a little easier to manage after distracting himself with soccer.

  
  
They kept meeting up for the next couple of days, practicing together and polishing their instincts, preparing for their next match against Isagi and whoever else he managed to steal. It'd been their fourth session and Bachira hadn't felt like self harming since the day he joined the team, so he felt like celebrating his small victory. (Going to the baths instead of taking a shower, but still waiting for them to be empty.)

Stepping into a nice, warm bath for the first time in months felt like heaven on his skin and felt even better when he remembered that he was completely alone.

Okay, that was a lie. Bachira wished he could join his friends and talk to them during times like these, but he knew he didn't have that luxury. Or, he didn't want to deal with the provoking questions that would inevitably come if he did. Just the thought of being able to have a regular experience with public baths made him feel bittersweetly. He laughed humorlessly to himself as the sound of a door opening echoed throughout the baths.

Suddenly, any trace of relaxation he once had left his body as he stiffened up enough to cramp. Who could possibly be coming in at this time? There was nobody else that he knew of at this stage yet, just his team, and nobody on his team would have any reason to-

"Oh, you're here too, puffy bangs." Rin said, breaking the comfortable silence. Of course it was him, they'd just finished up anyways. Slight panic pumped in his blood, realizing that he was practically trapped until Rin left.

"Don't call me puffy bangs, I have a name too!" Bachira whined, pushing down his anxiousness, making sure it didn't show. Rin got in on the other side of the huge pool and sighed, letting all the tension in him melt away. They sat in silence for a couple moments before Bachira got sick of the quiet.

"Rin, you're trying to defeat your older brother, right? Is that your only reason for playing soccer?" He asked, feeling bold. The look on Rin's face made it seem like he struck a nerve, he looked pissed.

"What's it matter to you?" He shot back at Bachira. Ignoring Rin's attempt to be intimidating, he laughed.

"Don't worry, I'm just curious! It's not so bad to want to know more about my practice partner, right?" He scoffed at Bachira and, for the first time since joining the team, gave a tiny smirk.

"Don't call me that. We're only 'practice partners' because you come in when I'm practicing and try taking the ball from me." His voice warmed up again like it did the first time they'd practiced, and Bachira wondered if Rin had a soft spot. 

"I do take the ball from you! Not very much, but still. And you were the one who told me when you practiced, it was pretty much an invite. But you still haven't answered my question." Though all he had was crumbs, Bachira liked seeing this side of Rin.

"Do you have any older siblings?" He asked, cocking an eyebrow. Bachira shook his head. "I used to play because it was fun, but then Sae became known worldwide and that's where we are now. Being 'Itoshi Sae's little brother' isn't the best thing in the world, so I'm trying to make a name for myself bigger than his." That was way more than Bachira was expecting. Here he was thinking Rin was just an apathetic kid who was jealous of his brother, but his reasons for wanting to beat Sae made perfect sense. Bachira knew what it was like being in the shadows too.

"Y'know, you should drop your act every now and then. Talking with you like this is fun, and I'm sure everyone else wouldn't mind!" He expected Rin to get all angry and defensive, but instead he sighed and apparently did drop it.

"It's not entirely an act, I just don't know how to be so carefree. You of all people make no sense to me." Bachira? He really hadn't expected Rin to take notice of him like that.

"Being carefree isn't something you try at, that's the whole point! Just gimme a smile for starters, like this!" He pushed up the corners of his lips into a smile with his fingers and for a split second, Rin smiled, though it was small. What replaced it was a look of shock, fear and worry.

"Bachira..."

He had gotten carried away.

he'd gotten carried away.

his arms were out of the water.

the cuts were on display for anyone to gawk at.

he was exposed.

everything went wrong so fast.

it was an accident.

he hadn't meant to.

how fast was his heart beating?

fast enough to hurt and hear in his ears.

how much air was he taking in?

enough to make his head spin.

what was he thinking, hoping that maybe he could have a regular conversation in a place like this?

of course not.

he didn't deserve to.

this was just an accident waiting to happen and he'd stupidly walked right into it.

why was he still in the water?

why was he staring at his own scars?

his body felt frozen.

he was trapped again.

just like before.

before blue lock.

before?

"Bachira, you need to calm down, please." he could hear rin talking to him, but his words sounded like shit he already knew. of course he needed to calm down.

he knew that, so why wasn't he?

"Please, just... fuck." oh, he was causing problems.

what's new.

suddenly, there were steady hands trying to grasp his wrists. upon first contact, bachira flinched. no one had ever touched his scars before. he'd always imagined that it would feel horrible and would make him writhe, but this felt... okay. the hands that held his biggest insecurities were grounding and calming, in a sense. he thought, if he focused on them and only them, he could come down from such a horrible high.

"Bachira, it's alright, you're okay. Uh-" then came a short hiss, for what reason, he didn't know. all he knew was that rin was talking to him, and that his hands were nice and easy to grasp.

"just keep talking. i don't care what about, but just keep talking, please." the words spilled out of his mouth before he could even think about them. he'd never heard his voice so shaky and weak. sure, he's had plenty of panic attacks, but they were all taken care of alone. this was a first for the both of them.

"Sure, we're at Blue Lock, in the second selection, we're on a team together, your number is sixteen... We've been practice partners for the past couple of days, I actually think you're a great asset to our team, even though I've probably said otherwise, Aryu and Tokimitsu like you way more than me, which kind of hurts my pride, but I don't blame them..." and rin kept talking, like he'd asked. it was subtle, but bachira could hear the uncertainty in his voice. it was almost like rin was as scared as he was.

after what felt like hours, (was just barely 10 minutes) his breathing slowed down, becoming less agitated and more controlled. though the twisted ball of nerves was still in his stomach, he felt like he could properly take in reality again.

"thanks, rin. you're really helping-" as the feeling came back in his hands, he realized he'd been digging his nails in rin's skin. he yanked his hands away, feeling awful. "i'm so sorry, i didn't mean to, really."

"Don't apologize, it's fine. Um, are you okay?" For the first time since meeting him, Rin looked and sounded genuinely shaken up. Well, that made sense, Bachira just had a panic attack out of nowhere and the only person around was him, who seemingly wasn't good at handling this sort of thing.

"yeah." a lie. "uh, rin, i'm sorry you have to see me like this." he reflexively tried hiding his arms again, even though there was no point. rin had seen everything.

"Stop, it's not your fault. I'm just... worried, I guess? I don't really know." He sat next to Bachira, but gave him enough space for comfort. It was a simple gesture, but it meant a lot.

"don't be. they're kind of old anyways, so it's alright." bachira avoided looking at him, using his bangs as a cover. he so desperately wanted to leave, wanted to go back to their dorm and never speak to rin ever again, but he knew that was unfair and cowardly. 

"So you're okay? Because you were crying a lot." At that, Bachira snapped upright and started feeling his face. True enough, it was wet with tears he didn't even know were shed. He laughed nervously and dipped his hands back under, anxiously fiddling with them below the surface of the water.

"i had no idea i was even crying. god, i'm so-" bachira got abruptly cut off by rin.

"Don't apologize again, I don't know what to say when you do. And we don't have to talk about this if you don't want to." He reassured. Bachira felt lucky that Rin was so (unexpectedly) understanding, even if he didn't know how to help.

"actually, i think i'm just gonna leave and go to sleep. it's kind of late anyways, maybe you should too." he said as he stepped out, reaching for his towel and clothes. that was enough shit for one night, he didn't want to risk having another panic attack or something, bachira thought while drying off and getting into clothes. it felt nice to pull sleeves over his scars again, like a security blanket. rin followed and got into his own uniform, and they stood awkwardly for a moment.

"rin... thanks. for not being a piece of shit, i guess. i'm glad we're friends!" it took all his energy to sound like 'himself' again, but it was worth a try. he put up a fist for a bump, and to his surprise, rin actually gave him one. man, bachira's expectations for him were lower than he thought.

"Me too." Rin said quietly as they left, heading to their dorm.

"wow, really?! earlier you couldn't stand the thought of being just practice partners, now we're friends?" bachira teased, which made a light blush tint rin's cheeks.

"Would you believe me if I said I've wanted to be friends since our first game against each other?"

"no way! since then?"

and they talked the whole way back to the dorms, talked about friends, soccer, expectations, and whatever else in between. not the best day for either of them, they both had first experiences, but what came of them was something sweet.

  
  
It was their match against the world five, and Rin had just scored the first goal, thanks to Bachira's pass. Isagi could just stare in awe at their chemistry.

"Rin! Nice goal!" Bachira yelled while jumping onto his back. Isagi thought he was for sure going to get thrown off in a matter of seconds, but it seemed like Rin didn't mind.

"Thanks for the pass." He couldn't believe his ears. Itoshi Rin was by far the most egotistical person Isagi had ever met, and for him to thank Bachira for a pass? He hopped off Rin's back and walked over to Isagi.

"Sorry! You thought that was for you, huh?" He apologized sheepishly. Isagi tugged his sleeve and pulled him close enough to whisper.

"What's up with you and Rin, he actually tolerates you!" Bachira laughed at him and waved his hand dismissively.

"We're friends! It happened while you were still collecting teammates, and we practice together. It's no big deal, really, look." He walked on over to Rin casually, while Isagi felt like he was walking on eggshells.

"Rin, aren't we the bestest, closest, coolest friends in the world?" Bachira said in a sickly sweet voice, which earned him a glare.

"Shut up. But yes, if that's what you'll call it." He said while cracking his neck. Rin seemed threatening, but Isagi could swear there was a difference in the way he talked to Bachira compared to everyone else.

"See, told you! Anyways, let's get back to it." They paid their attention back to the game and restarted their attack on the world five. Isagi was curious to see what else Rin and Bachira could do. The two seemed more in sync with each other than anyone else on the field, and he could only wonder how close they'd gotten while he was separated.

**Author's Note:**

> Tysm for reading! This is a very personal fic to me, most of the parts were written while trying not to self harm, so I incorporated some of my own real time feelings into this. 
> 
> I wanted to give Bachira a happy ending because it's what I'm hoping for, honestly.
> 
> I have nothing to promote, its anon, but pls go support the other writers on this tag! We're kind of starved for content lol


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